Relationship. Check.

What makes for good relationships?

 

What makes relationships healthy?

 

When talking about relationships I am not just meaning the romantic variety, I am meaning all of the interactions we have with all the people in our lives. 

 

Loneliness has been in the news recently with statistics such as 

 

Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 29% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015)

 

and

 

Loneliness has been more widely identified with 43% of 17-25 year olds and 24% of parents experiencing loneliness (Campaign to end loneliness)

 

So what can we do to help this? I feel our view on relationships are the key.

 

I feel we tend to view relationships as something we only have with those very close to us, our partner, children, family and maybe close friends. We do not see that our daily conversation with the barista as a relationship. 

 

As a result of distancing ourselves in this way we do not check on the ‘health’ of these relationships and the nature of our interactions. We do not nurture and build on these relationships.

 

Recently a gentleman who works in my town came up to me as I was walking home. This is a person I speak to maybe 5 times a week for no more than 5 minutes. We share little snippets from our days or chat about the weather, nothing deep or meaningful. 

 

It took me a couple of seconds to place who the gentleman was as as he wasn’t in his uniform, but before I could say anything he held my arm and a tear started to fall. He relayed the news that his wife had died the night before and that I was the first friendly face he had seen. I automatically gave the man a hug, chatted a little and then said I’d make a point of coming and chatting each day I was in town, which I have done.

 

This was a man I had no real connection to, I had just been consistently friendly over a period of time. This interaction, this relationship between us was important to him though and I hope he felt less alone as a result of a quick chat and a hug.

 

These little relationships can all add up to being as important as the big relationships in our lives. We need these little relationships to help us feel connected and a community. We are meant to live in a community for our health and our strength.

 

We need to check the health of all our relationships from time to time. 

• How do we treat the barista that makes our coffee? 

Are we generally friendly or grumpy?

• How do we treat our friends? 

Do we offload our lives without ever really listening to them? Are we half listening waiting for our tun to speak? 

• How do we treat our partner and children? 

Are we spending most of our time ordering them around or telling them off?

 

Studies have shown that an average ratio of 5:1 is found in stable relationships where we have 5 positive interactions against one negative interaction. I feel this works in all aspects of our relationships. If our barista has 8 negative interactions in a morning and only 1 positive they are going to feel lower than if this was the other way around. If our friend moans about 6 areas of their life without asking about ours, but says they enjoyed their coffee it is the negative that lingers.

 

We all need to check our relationships with the people we meet. If problems arise, as they surely will, we need to meet them constructively. A question I have come across recently that I really like is:

 

‘Am I trying to make it better or am I trying to punish?’

 

• We should all be trying to improve our relationships with others, not punish people. 

• We should be sharing our successes and our failures.

• We should be showing appreciation to those in our lives.

• We should deal with issues by explaining how actions make us feel, not being afraid to show some vulnerability.

 

If we find a relationship isn’t working for us then we then tackle this. Some relationships are short lived, some are forever but all are important in our growth.

 

The way we treat people is contagious, if we treat people in a friendly and respectful manner they will continue this, the ripple will slowly expand outwards. 

 

If we teach our children to check in on all of their relationships they may feel more connected, less lonely and happier as a result.

 

How are your relationships?

 

What have you done today to strengthen them?